BEYOND THE LENS.
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My name is Nathania, or lavenderpeace as some people in the world may know me as. I am finally in university, studying Nutritional and Nutraceutical Sciences.
Living a comfortable life full with high and low times, and despite it all I love it.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Its almost been a year since the ordeal, and though I still talk about it, does not mean I am weak. It also does not mean I wish I could rewind time and recreate those moments. To me, it is a constant reminder of what anyone is capable of - love. The purest and selfless thing we could give to others, and hope for it in return. Once I have experienced that, I feel that no matter where I am right now, I wish I could feel that strong connection with someone. It was never an easy thing to have, and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to let go of.
My attempts at finding someone to love me for who I am has become more difficult everyday. I am not the easiest to love, there are so many constraints on me because I am always scared of something. Scared of being hurt, scared no one would understand me. Despite the fact I may be seeing someone, that someone does not understand half the things that come out of my mouth. In his eyes, I am not worthy, and perhaps even a leech or annoying. The things we want are mutual, except here's the catch - we cannot do what is expected. I talked to my dad about relationships, and obviously if there was something there, we would have been "blindly in love" and be going through the honeymoon phase. There are no such things as the honeymoon phase for me. All I feel is despair, depression, and constant anger. Sometimes I wish I could go up to someone - ANYONE and just hug them to feel as second of warmth. The place where I have been is so cold, so lonely and I am in an act where everything is cool.
There is so much I cannot say, and when I can, I will. I cannot single someone out because it is against rules, and anything can be and will be used against me. I just hope I can reach out to someone, to have them hear my story. There are more tragedies out there, but here's mine. The most epic thing of it all... I want to go back to the church. Everything I have done for the past year, nothing has ever comforted me more than being in a church, praying state of mind. No one can judge me, no one can make me feel worthless, and I feel so calm. Like someone understands me fully.
All I want is understanding. Comfort, a friend when its needed. A shoulder to cry on when its a hard day. I need magic.
7:37 PM
Monday, August 20, 2012
Its almost been a year since the ordeal, and though I still talk about it, does not mean I am weak. It also does not mean I wish I could rewind time and recreate those moments. To me, it is a constant reminder of what anyone is capable of - love. The purest and selfless thing we could give to others, and hope for it in return. Once I have experienced that, I feel that no matter where I am right now, I wish I could feel that strong connection with someone. It was never an easy thing to have, and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to let go of.
My attempts at finding someone to love me for who I am has become more difficult everyday. I am not the easiest to love, there are so many constraints on me because I am always scared of something. Scared of being hurt, scared no one would understand me. Despite the fact I may be seeing someone, that someone does not understand half the things that come out of my mouth. In his eyes, I am not worthy, and perhaps even a leech or annoying. The things we want are mutual, except here's the catch - we cannot do what is expected. I talked to my dad about relationships, and obviously if there was something there, we would have been "blindly in love" and be going through the honeymoon phase. There are no such things as the honeymoon phase for me. All I feel is despair, depression, and constant anger. Sometimes I wish I could go up to someone - ANYONE and just hug them to feel as second of warmth. The place where I have been is so cold, so lonely and I am in an act where everything is cool.
There is so much I cannot say, and when I can, I will. I cannot single someone out because it is against rules, and anything can be and will be used against me. I just hope I can reach out to someone, to have them hear my story. There are more tragedies out there, but here's mine. The most epic thing of it all... I want to go back to the church. Everything I have done for the past year, nothing has ever comforted me more than being in a church, praying state of mind. No one can judge me, no one can make me feel worthless, and I feel so calm. Like someone understands me fully.
All I want is understanding. Comfort, a friend when its needed. A shoulder to cry on when its a hard day. I need magic.
