My name is Nathania, or lavenderpeace as some people in the world may know me as. I am finally in university, studying Nutritional and Nutraceutical Sciences.
Living a comfortable life full with high and low times, and despite it all I love it.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
I know right now u're pissed off, and u don't believe me. I understand. I know u're gonna hate me. You hate me so much right now. But... I know it seems like I don't trust you at all....and the fact that I'm hiding this from everyone.. well, its not because of image or popularity... its because I'm scared. I'm scared of rumours, and things that can hurt me emotionally. So many things can. I'm not confiedent like how i look like, its easy to make me feel bad, and feel like I don't belong anywhere. Its pretty sad... I was going to talk to you.. but i didn't see you right after the author thing.. u left so quickly. By the time i saw you, I had to go to class. it might seem like excuses, but it isn't. You're mad at me, yes i know. I can tell and feel the anger through MSN. U're annoyed by me since I ask these types of questions everyday. My heart skipped a beat when you said hi to me, and when I saw you at the assembly. But sometimes to me it seems like you're a total stranger to me when you're with your friends... but maybe that's because I'm watching from a distance everytime.
Just to sum it all up, I'm a total loser. A freak. Some dorkwad that has little to no self-esteem. So if u want, then leave me. I know u like girls a lot, and in your world, there's no one else but me. In my heart its like that too. except guy wise.
I don't think I'd be able to heal quickly just right after what you just told me. Just plain speechless. And u are busy with whatever. I don't think i want to know.
I miss you... but those words most likely (assuming) that it means nothing to your broken heart, crying inside of you. Its because of me, and my stupid actions that usually kill off everyone.
T.T
5:19 PM
Sunday, November 11, 2007
When you need space, what you have to keep in mind is:
the person who you may kind of like may move on, or just let go of you, because they love you that much. I'm not one to say who it is, since I have not really ever felt love.. like boyfriend and girlfriend way. Family-wise.. i guess you can kind of say that. but it doesn't seem like its there. Not all families would say 'I love you'. I know mine doesn't. that's why sometimes I ponder if love exists at all.
Crushes.. maybe but they never last long. Never once did someone say 'I like you too' back, what-so-ever. Nope. I confessed a twice in my lifetime so far, and one might've said that, but now, its complicated. Well, all I have to say is that I can't wait forever, and I usually end up giving in, and letting you continue living your life while I go mend everything back together and make up excuses why I stopped going after you. Life for me is like this. I may plaster a smile on my face, but everything is a lie.. only once in a while will you see what's happening deep inside, and all the complications with it. If you were my friend, you would have to understand my train of thought, and the cryptics that I throw at you, that may give you a key to solving many problems that are usually either created by me or my peers.
Some people have a great impact on me, so when near them, may be very happy, or downright emo/depressed. During the emo/depressed times, it is literally IMPOSSIBLE to get me out of that state unless a so-called miracle happened that touches me deeply, that's when I would get back to normal... but now, after what has happened in less than a whole month, or maybe a bit more, I'm afraid of myself, and what I am becoming. I feel... different, and I feel like I cannot control myself like how I used to a long time ago.
So if the plans on Tuesday are off, they're off forever in my life. I don't think I'd be able to face you ever again. This is the sadness that I have been living with for... 8 years or so.
I'll Miss You.
2:32 PM
