BEYOND THE LENS.
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My name is Nathania, or lavenderpeace as some people in the world may know me as. I am finally in university, studying Nutritional and Nutraceutical Sciences.
Living a comfortable life full with high and low times, and despite it all I love it.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Epilogue
I guess you could say that everything is sort of okay now. I need time to smooth things out and completely be comfortable. Though he changed in appearance and perspective, there are a few things that stayed the same and probably will for a long time while this relationship continues.
I went to go see them today. I got back a turtle, and a really beautiful bracelet Tom hunted from Peru... and it is made completely out of silver, with a silver star. Its so pretty, and it does not look like anything I have seen before from around here. To be able to have someone as special as Tom, I felt bad because I wanted to break up with him a while back, but I could not because the reasons why were not legitimate enough, and also there were a few people who helped me look past that...
But I still ended up crying about it to Tom, at the randomest time ever. EVER.
And the optometrist guy was weird. He talked to Cae and my dad for a long time, and barely said anything to me when it came my turn. But oh well, and honestly... the dilating my pupils thing... not so fun. It took more than 5 hours for the drops to wear off and for my pupils to return to normal size. ><" So even at Ben and Tom's, my pupils were still dilated.
FML. Other than that, I think I'll dip. into a pool. :D later.
8:25 PM
Night: Fifteen
You're probably thinking... WHAT?!? there's a fifteen? I thought he was back! Technically speaking, yeah sure he landed.
It doesn't help ease the uncertainty and the unhappiness I feel. Despite that he's home, it almost seems like I dread it a lot more than him there. Maybe I'm used to him being gone...
I have been talking to Fred, and I found out that his girlfriend broke up with him. Though I did see this coming, it makes me sad to see something so lovely and a guy who is completely devoted and loved someone with all their heart watch themselves break into tiny pieces. It makes me wonder about myself, for what his girlfriend did to him was something I have done to others. I feel so guilty for doing that to them, or even using them as a rebound because I was too hurt and desperately ward off the feeling of being lonely. I am so horrible... it feels like the life I lead now is full of lies, full of deceit. Why do I get such a happy life right now, while others are suffering though they did nothing wrong? Its not fair...
The more I face myself, the more disgusted I am at myself. It is as if... I changed so much, it becomes difficult to fit into that mould I was in before. I do not kow if I want to continue walking the path I am walking down now. Maybe I wasn't meant for this life, maybe there's something I am missing. Its not Tom, its...
It might be something I have neglected for a while.
1:38 AM
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Day: Fourteen
So, I watched Despicable Me. It was the cutest thing ever, and how it ended made me so happy yet so touched that I cried.
But, just spending time with my family is something I have neglected for such a long time, but today it felt... nice.
Although I have to go for an optometrist appointment soon, I'm sort of... happy, content with everything right now.
Maybe everything is supposed to be this quiet, more... family oriented?
3:52 PM
Night: Fourteen
Tonight, I guess you can say this is different compared to all the other nights. While talking to Fred who is completely saddened by his situation, I'm try to make him happy, to cheer him up so that he will be strong enough to face anything. Hopefully his happiness and optimism will show him the way through the darkness that may lie ahead.
Beyond all this, I am excited because Tom is coming back tonight. I am anticipating for this day and hopefully I can have him in my arms by tomorrow. I feel so happy and what not, but it doesn't help that Fred is so depressing. But hey, it'll get things out of his system. :)
I was going to go to the pool, but I didn't, and I spent a while filling it up again with more water, pumping it up, etc etc... and reading a calculus book. Teehee.
I just noticed I have been starting to eat less. I realized this by playing with a bone and it was popping out and was more evident. So did I get fat or thin? Hm... did I get a tan? Am I adequate enough to be called a vampire? Haha kidding.
I want to stay up til 5am tonight, but I can't because I have to wake up early tomorrow, watch Despicable Me, eye exam and then a boring dinner with my dad's old classmates and I will be bored out of my mind I will explode. Literally. Oh well, I mean I shouldn't complain. :) I'm lucky enough.
Night.
2:02 AM
Monday, July 19, 2010
Day: Thirteen
I didn't sleep until five in the morning. Its okay I guess, since I occasionally do that. Staring out at the darkened sky, and being able to witness the sky brightening up before I go to bed. So I get to see the light blue sky behind grey clouds, knowing I will be able to wake up in a few hours.
I haven't told anyone, but I am scared that one day I am not going to wake up to see the sky. Or anyone I know and cherish. There would be so many regrets, so many things I would be unable to do. How do you cope with the regret? Also, how would others react?
So I formulated a plan from now until Thursday. Due to the fact that Tom is coming back, maybe I should not talk to him for the next few days. It is going to be torturous for both of us, but seriously, I haven't stopped talking and Tom has been online almost every single day I am pretty sure many are VERY annoyed. I know a few people on my side are. There needs to be space, there needs to be silence. I can already see myself not able to follow through, but I will make sure I do not betray myself like how I usually do. It may do us both good, along with other people.
Starting today, I am beginning my grade 12 preparations, along with reviewing grade 11 things. Because I organized my archives, it makes the subjects I am looking for more convenient compared to a month ago. I need to start getting serious because I am fully determined to blow UBC away, and change so many things about me. Let's just call it a reinvention of myself for the better. Most people would say "Oh but you're great how you are." Unfortunately, my current actions cannot take me far. Though I am still opening up, I need to be able to socialize more, and properly dress the part to look at least more professional. So, I am just stepping outside of my shell a bit and just.. opening up a lot more for the sake of my future plans. (Secretary, PR, interviews galore?) Mm.... but I am sure and I am hopeful I with all these preparations I will not get sidetracked by anyone or anything.
Except i still have to finish Avatar: The Last Airbender. I just started on Book 3 so I am on my way to completion. I am home for the entire day, so maybe something good will come up.
I might go dip in the mini-pool later or something. I don't know. A good wake up call maybe?
Later.
3:00 PM
Night: Thirteen
I do not know why, but I am really, really, REALLY angry or easily agitated. So easily agitated.
I fell asleep while reading up on calculus, and I am so sure I am going to fail.
Then a bunch of stuff. Giving relationship advice, massive headaches, etc etc.. whatever.
Seriously annoyed beyond words can express, and I don't know how to solve it. I can hardly give a shit if Tom comes back tomorrow, nor do I wish to see him because that's how annoyed I am. I'm probably going to end up making up some lame excuse that's half true to ward him off. I don't know, I'll see depending on my mood.
Rawr.
12:47 AM
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Day: Twelve
Church is very interesting. For once, we were not late (I don't think 2 minutes counts) and everyone woke up early. Unfortunately, my contacts weren't going well for me so I was like half unable to see, so it really sucked. I was walking around the mall with Cae because she had to work at American Eagle at 12pm and I saw this really cute guy cardigan, and its really preppy. Its so cute~ but I don't know, it doesn't look like something that Tom or any other guy I know would wear... it looks way too preppy. I don't know. We'll see, but Cae got it for herself and it looks uber cute. But she can fit into it, as for me it looks like I stole someone's.
I got stuff for Calculus and Calculus for Dummies (go figure), and I am going to start working on Calculus stuff... joy. I don't know.
That's all. :)
3:45 PM
Night: Twelve
Well, I did not succeed in typing out that e-mail and sending it to you, causing you heartbreak and what not. Yet I know if I did, you will be trying to figure out everything through the aching of your heart and the tears. I guess its a good thing. I mean, you create such a calm and serene place for me to just... relax and be myself despite the stress I cause to myself and everything else.
Anyways, beyond that let me backtrack.
Yesterday, my dad told me to aid him to put up a small 8" pool thingy in our backyard. Its not big (my backyard), but having that small pool is better than nothing. Its a great way to cool off besides showering, and plus I'm not planning to do laps in that pool. Haha, I guess its more like enjoying myself and having a talk with whoever's in there.
I've been trying to put myself back out there before Tom comes back, and its hard for I can never stop talking about him. I care about him so much I start to wonder when its TOO much. I don't want to ditch him that urgently, but its more like I don't know how to deal with everything when school resumes again. I'm confused more than anything.
rawr.
haha funny things happening. NIGHT~
1:25 AM
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Day: Eleven
Opened up a pool outside. The sort of blow up one. LOL its nice. And freakishly cold.
Its also windy today. But its fun hanging out with Cae. :)
elaborate later, going to attempt to get a tan.
:D
2:32 PM
Night: Eleven
Maybe we were destined for heartbreak. Maybe we all are. Or maybe I like breaking my own heart, ripping myself to pieces to remember that the world is never perfect, there are so many people who feel worse than me. Its like in the developed world, we're so conceited and self-absorbed. All we care about is how much money we don't have, how we have to be successful by having an unlimited amount of money in your bank account. Doesn't everything just come down to those things in the future? To become things we might not like but its all for the money?
I do not know myself anymore. One second I am bawling my eyes out because I miss someone, yet I play it cool and when he calls, I act cold hearted and ask if we should break up. Does that make any sense? I am still debating if it would be a good idea, for I am afraid of the future. Is this even going to last? Will it affect me... no. I am not going to continue, because he will try to find the source of why I am thinking like this. Maybe some things are meant to be kept a secret. But on the other hand, if I do break up with him, that will cause such sadness and heartbreak for the both of us, that the whole reason of breaking up with become counter-productive. Is it better to be happily distracted or sorrowfully distracted? Do I want to rid of someone whom I can lean on?
So many unanswered questions in my head...
He says "I love you". What does that even mean? Does he mean it? Do I sincerely believe it? Am I doubting myself and this entire relationship? Should he even be trusting me anymore? I tell him things have changed. I am trying so hard to build myself up so that if there is ever a time to say goodbye, I do not break like a vase that someone knocked over and fell unto the ground. Is it even a good thing to be that strong? I mean, if you act too cool to the point the termination of a relationship does not seem to affect you, does it not show the other that the relationship meant nothing or meant little to you? Should you show your emotional side or keep it hidden deep inside?
More on the happy side, I took a picture of something really cute. I hope that maybe it would make up for my oddness. I hate to say this but... I still miss him. I guess me trying to act strong and cold hurts him a lot. But as I said before, I like breaking my heart... I wonder if I actually even mean that.
But really, moving past this uneasy-ness, I actually have something up my sleeve for when he comes back. Haha.. I should start planning...
12:00 AM
Friday, July 16, 2010
Day: Ten
Not much to say. Guitar maybe?
9:00 AM
Night: Ten
To think, he might be home soon. Closer to me. But really, is it a good thing? Somehow though I am supposed to be at ease, I feel more uncomfortable than anything. I stare at his motionless pictures everyday, but I feel nothing. I listen to recordings, nothing. I am starting to wonder if I am over him or over something. The flowers are cute, and brighten up my room.
What would life be without flowers, the presents, the memories of you? How would I be like? Would I be content? Would there be many things that I would have not developed? I know that I would not be good friends with Mike again, learning guitar, crying so hard because you're gone, no flowers, no Keroppi, no interrupting cows, no ring, no fun lunches... wow. Lower phone bill? (maybe).
I probably cannot live without you now. Everyday most of my thoughts end up pointing at you. I keep listening to your Sleep Playlist, and I wait for the sound of rain. Am I anticipating for your return then try to play it cool and just brush it off? Or should I play the ecstatic girlfriend? Haha nah, Ben will probably have my head.
While I was cleaning the washroom I got a bruise. Or a scrape. ==" similar situation with the archery incident. Epic fails Nat, epic fails. I have a bunch of other bruises, scrapes, etc... so its okay. I only say something to the one that hurts the most, compared to every single one because my parents would probably kill me. Haha.
Tomorrow... I have no idea what is going on. I think I'll go to my windowstill and just count the endless number of public transit buses going by my house. Wash mirrors. Blog. joy.
More Avatar: The Last Airbender! I finished the first book so I'm excited. :)
1:50 AM
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Day: Nine
WOW, I am so idiotic. Lets just say, at night and on MSN, your tone of voice cannot be found within text. WHY DO I KEEP FORGETTING. Plus, when its night, its more difficult. ><"""
I spent a while washing washrooms and bathrooms. @.@ My back hurts because I hit my lower back and now my mom is probably going to make me go through insane torture by rubbing it.. GAH.
><"""
more later.
8:38 PM
Night: Nine
So tired. Can't type much.
Got skype. Skyped with Tom. Forgot how he looked. teehee.
it was fun.
-Nat
2:48 AM
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Day: Eight
Late last night I awoken to my dad screaming at my sister. I didn't hear it through my door like usual, but rather outside. It scared me and it made me sad. I know my dad is suffering and he hasn't been the same since last summer and I don't think he fully recovered from it. I can't blame him, for losing someone you love so much would probably take a stab at your heart, leading to depression. Anyways, I think in my opinion, they both need to somehow come to an understanding. Cae is getting depressed and sad all the time because all her close guy friends are leaving her, and she only has a certain amount of time. But I guess what she can't do is come home early, easing my parent's mind and letting them sleep earlier. On top of this, the whole Bosnia trip. Its about $4000 and yet we're supposedly in debt (you're not supposed to know that), so where does this money come from? Like we both rather have that money going towards tuition or like... something productive rather than going to Bosnia and maybe not even knowing if you are going to be enlightened or not by the trip/journey. Its so iffy, and on top of that if you force religion, the ending you want may not happen. It makes me wonder if it would be a good idea to act enlightened to prevent myself from going to Bosnia next year, so money could be saved...
I stayed up for a long time, wondering whether or not Tom called me. He did actually, and supposedly my dad picked up. My mom told me that my dad wasn't fuming when Tom called probably because he knows where Tom is and plus, time difference? He didn't wake me up though. And this was before Cae came home.
Which leads to now. I probably had 4-5 hours of sleep from last night, but its okay. Still trying to recover, and from tearing up when I received a call from Tom this morning being really concerned for I texted him, left messages on MSN and e-mailed him. Couldn't stop crying.
I'm debating whether or not I should go out today or clean more. Regardless, I will survive *sings song* haha... I can't though, because my throat is still clogged with phlegm.
Hope your day or night is better than mine, and I hope when my dad goes on vacation he can actually relax. =/
11:10 AM
Night: Eight
Its unbelievable that its already been a week since Tom left, because it feels like forever. It also feels like everything is getting a bit better, after letting a few things out, and just realizing many things.
I went out with Janice today, and it was fun, despite Janice being late for 45 minutes. I had a nice walk around the mall, and look at things. Comparing prices for black converses so I can prepare to buy them? Hehe. As a compensation to Janice listening to me blab on and on about Tom, I got to STC a few minutes early and bought the tickets. So I basically paid for her movie, and she bought popcorn and drinks because she felt bad about being late and now how I paid for her movie. *sigh*
Being able to take this summer to be out of the loop from drama and many other things, I guess I am lucky in that sense. A quiet yet sad break from everything. Its not like anything can suffice the void I feel. Any distractions are welcome though.
Eclipse... ah what a movie. So funny though, considering Janice and I kept thinking more or less the same thing. BROMANCE~! teehee. But yeah... Taylor Lautner with his shirt off can make anyone giddy. xD
Off to watch Avatar: The Last Airbender the series online..
NTS: still need to practise guitar.
12:00 AM
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Day: Seven
So I ended up not sleeping that early. But I woke up early at least! Getting ready to go to the movies with Janice.
More insight later, need to clothe Paschal. ew.
LOL
later.
10:38 AM
Night: Seven
Hopefully tomorrow would be better than today/last night. The more I think about it, the more sad I get because of the many mistakes I made. I don't want someone to hold fault besides me, because most of the time, it is me.
Today was alright. I went to P-mall with Mike, and I taught him how to fold stars except he keeps squeezing tightly, and found out awesome stationary for letter writing is becoming VERY scarce. :(
But even beyond that, its like I cannot stop talking about Thomas. Why must I bring him up in almost every single conversation? Even after I left P-mall, I ended up at Markville meeting up with Janice, Jenn and Nicole Lam. We sat at McDonald's for a while, gossiping. Even then I was able to bring him up. Is the called obsessive? I saw Parco and a girl named Kelly that works with Tom. Is there a possibility that she may even recognize me? Probably not.
To Thomas,
I'm sorry about what happened last night. I already moved upstairs but you probably can't read this. *sigh*
I'll just go to sleep now then.
I still can't get over you. *sadface*
note: this was written around 9pm on July 12th, 2010
12:00 AM
Monday, July 12, 2010
Day: Six
So last night I was talking to Tom again... it was kind of bad. I don't know why but I tend to put myself down late at night... and tire myself out. I'm basically destroying myself. Living in the basement is bad for my health already and with me sleeping really late doesn't help either.
I am sorry I'm alive, and I make you go through all this sort of crap. You of all people don't deserve this. You can always do better Tom, and its a proven fact.
*sigh*
for the last few days I have been really lazy and haven't been really posting, maybe because I don't have time. But now I do.
The Carabram thing was awesome in its own special way. Most of the time I was looking around Brampton because I was supposed to move there instead of Markham, and I kept asking my dad if it was a better choice moving to Markham instead of Brampton. Looking around like some Catholic high schools it looked so odd to me. But the events were awesome, and I learned a lot and ate a lot too. Periogies, cabbage rolls, rice dumplings, bratwrusts, etc.. I think its a good thing that I didn't end up buying some cotton candy. On the way back home, we went on Hurontario Street/Main St. and it honestly reminded me of Stratford minus the Festival theatre.
I tried my bestest to stop thinking about Tom, and I hope I can continue because its so hard to not be unhappy. I regret telling him how unhappy I am because now he's going to put it all on himself. Its not fair to him, which makes me think whether or not its a good idea to temporarily hide all my feelings for a little over a week, or until a good time... if such a time even exists. He's clearly doing something more productive than I am. It makes me wonder to hide all this sadness if its better to keep the ring off until he comes back. Its supposed to be symbolic and I don't know... does he have to follow me wherever I go? Its like how we act like we're madly in love. But are we really? Or is this all passion or the yearning to be with someone?
I should go get ready... I'm going out with Mike today to teach him how to fold stars, maybe lunch with him and buy stationary. Yay... but I still need to get postage.. ><"
I'll elaborate on this day and many other insights later.
POKEMON T-SHIRT! :D
10:50 AM
Night: Six
So today was funny.
I bought this really uber cute t-shirt with pokemon on it, and now i swear wherever I go i have to plan an outfit to go with the occasion. P-mall means more asian style therefore i can wear the p-chu tee.
And its getting annoying doing this all the time... idk what to write.
RAWR.
1:23 AM
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Day & Night: Five
Last night when I was about to blog, the internet went crazy again. At least its better today.
So, my dad wanted me to go to Brampton for some event called Carabram. Whatever.
Its basically like various countries showing off their stuff at various spots in Brampton. I visited Portugal, Ireland, Germany, Hawaii, Myanmaar, etc. It was interesting and what not... went from 2-9 haha... intense no?
this morning I went to church, and then Markville. At Markville I saw Ivan but it took a while for me to register that. Why is it that every guy that waves his hand in front of me I don't see them until a few minutes later? I mean John Tse did the same thing to me once in Foody. Weird...
its hot.
and my blood boils too much. Here, I'll explain more later tonight in Night six.
7:31 PM
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Day: Four
The Internet is back on, hurray.
I'm on my sister's Macbook while my dad is using the Toshiba. I kept tearing up last night because it was like my first time out in 2-3 days and a lot of things on the road made me think. My dad asked me to take a ride with him because I need fresh air and he had to drive Cae to MTR karaoke (Hwy 7/Leslie, behind Premiere banquet hall) but she had to drop off things at her boyfriend's. So my dad drove by a house which made me think, then later on a car in front of us made me think.... a lot of places just brought tears. It didn't help that I was listening to sad slow songs because I was sad enough.
While I was in the car, he signed on. *sigh* whatever...
I think my dad wants me out of the house again. Going to some caravan thingy or whatever in Mississauga. I don't want to go because its so far, but I guess I basically have no choice. But I guess its good because being entrapped in the basement isn't so healthy for me. Plus when Paschal was down here, he got hives. Its not clean down here... maybe that's why. I'm prolonging my weird cough and prints on my arm.
I'm sort of getting used to not wearing the ring. Although my finger looks empty, I guess it shows how unhappy I have been. I promised that I wouldn't be that sad or you know, wouldn't miss him that much for two weeks, but so many things can happen in two weeks. I think Cae was saying she wants to take me out to a club, so if I do that means I have to be drunk enough to be okay that other drunken guys try to get me to grind up on them. ew~ But Janice and Mike are trying to I guess snap me out of this sort of insane uber sadness that I do not understand why I have it because he's not gone for that long. It just feels like it. Whenever someone says "I'll be back in a jiffy!" or "Two weeks will fly by", what does fly and jiffy mean? and I know "time flies when you're having fun" but what if you're not having fun? Or you're just faking that you're having fun? Doesn't that say how unhappy someone is but does not want to ruin the fun for others so faking it is a lot better than showing your true feelings.
Taeyang's You're My is nice. I don't know why. YAY!
:(
It doesn't help that as the days pass, the more I get scared I will be sent to Bosnia instead of Cae. Or by the time he comes back I would be so torn up about everything that I don't want to see him until September. I don't know. I'm already down. No need for me to go all the way till I hit the centre of the earth.
*sigh* I don't think I can get any worse. But for sure, I need to stop being so attached to someone who might not always be here. I mean, people can do a certain amount. The rest is up to the individual, and no one else. I guess I forgot how it felt like. Everything is so quiet. Completely detached from my phone, I barely even pick up my phone anymore because most of the time at home its not close to me. Otherwise, whenever I go out or before I sleep its around me.
Can't wait until I see Janice and Mike next week or anyone else. Maybe things will get better then.
10:47 AM
Night: Four
Internet died. DSL doesn't work, therefore life sucks.
I probably can't say anything more.
I started freaking out when that happened. Maybe because that means I get less of a chance to find Tom online. Its fine, because maybe I have already started to forget a few things about him. But its alright, I mean time flies when you're having fun so I'll attempt to have "fun".
I stopped wearing the ring. I don't know why, but I have to remember I keeping in... the jewelry box where I keep the purple crystal. Okay.
I can't wait for you anymore. I keep losing signal so easily, I might as well give up.
Maybe this wasn't meant to be Tom. Maybe all we keep trying to do is defy destiny, NOT GRAVITY.
rawr.
12:05 AM
Friday, July 09, 2010
Day: Three
I swear, I have officially become a mattress potato. Having an obsession with the mattress I sleep on, I have started to spend maybe over 12 hours on one. Kinda sad, isn't it?
I do not feel like doing anything. I want to... drift away and just.. dissipate. Wouldn't that be lovely. I am having less and less to say, because my daily life is never that productive.
I mean, I sleep around 2 or 3 in the morning, then wake up around 11, stay in bed til maybe almost 1. Watch endless korean dramas and just.. sit around.
By the time this week ends, there is nothing left to say, because there is nothing to know. Everyone would be able to see a pattern here.
I, am just a stick. A thin, pale, sick stick.
That is all I am.
Oh. and update on my conquest of cleaning the basement, I found my grade nine mathematics! YAY~
3:02 PM
Night: Three.
I organized everything. There's about three boxes of stuff, and its probably going to increase soon. Completely sorted my archives alphabetically by course name. One box for binders, books, etc. Working on audio-visual stuff tomorrow. And maybe the gym, but I highly doubt it because I keep sleeping so late.
I bursted into tears while I was talking to Tom on MSN. I am still worrying about whether or not I would be able to remember. At most, the only things reminding me is the guitar picks because there's one that's pink and another which is maroon, the guitar itself, the frog and the ring on my middle finger of my left hand. Haha.. jeez I sound like I'm basically married. ew. LOL just saying because seriously, no one gets married at seventeen and last. This world is full of... uncertainty and too many temptations.
So far, my favourite song to listen to at night is: Kite Song by Rosie Thomas. ==" ironic. Anyways, I would totally love to find someone to play piano and guitar for it. Maybe perform it for vocal class or concert? haha.
I am excited for next week. Maybe for once I can go out, and do something somewhat productive. All I have been doing everyday is just watch dramas. Japanese ones (Zettai Reido), Korean ones (Bad Love) and maybe start a Taiwanese one? And maybe stalk down Camp Rock 2 before Family shows it. I do not know. I'm that bored.
Night. =)
12:06 AM
Thursday, July 08, 2010
Day: Two
Well then. I guess people are too lazy to check whenever I have a blog post, or even want to follow me. I found how to follow me!! LOL.
follow this link! http://www.blogger.com/follow-blog.g?blogID=24564150
yeaah. Okkies. I have been wondering how many people even read this, so please, ease my curiosity! =D
I slept late again (FWHEEE~) and woke up at around eleven? It is weird though, because my mom keeps yelling and everything is loud. Oh well.
I've been cleaning the basement, and I keep saying I am going to the GYM! But I can't wake up early enough to go without seeing that many people. Perhaps I should sleep early tonight...
The basement is really messy, but it is a working process, and it was something our family kept saying for maybe over 2-3 years but never put into action? UNTIL NOW. HAHAH!! I got rid of a lot of things, and I wasn't aware how much I kept until I looked at my archives. There is A LOT. I am still searching for my grade nine math stuff though. =(
I was also looking for a place where I can stream the Last Song without putting in my non-existent credit card and without paying. Haha I am so cheap, but hey. Not spending maybe over $3 to see Miley. No offense.
Another day spent in the basement! YAY!
The end. Until night~
2:04 PM
Night: Two.
Its night again! YAY!
Currently experiencing self-denial. Janice and I were talking on MSN and she asked if I was sad and then I went into self-denial and was like "No, Tom doesn't miss me" but later on I did say that but I mean hey. Tom, are you not having fun?
Anyways, he called. And MSN-ed. and e-mailed. Haha oddness. But I do not know, Cae got really agitated again because the endless talks ABOUT him might drive someone crazy. And I just realized I never shut my mouth about him. WOW!! POW! LOL POW!!
It crazy dark tonight. And mosquitoes scare me. I mean they used to not bother me because I never got bitten (YAY!) but now, its an entirely different scenario. Darnn.
Mad hunt on a job, I heard Kiddie Kobbler was hiring. YAY kiddie shoes! That means I need to spiffy up my resume... =="
I'm bored. I hope to do something more interesting or just end up watching more things and creating more calluses.
Almost got reduced to tears.... and in trouble because I got a long distance call on my cell. ><"" NTS: get him to call house phone. emphasis on HOUSE. PHONE.
whatever. I "temporarily" give up on him, because the calling cards are a bitch. Tried purchasing the Wal-Mart ones, they go so quickly and the rates are stupidly high so you finish them so quickly. HEADS UP.
kay. DONE~~ lol I was about to stop this blogging and talking and e-mailing, but someone I guess was too homesick. If not then misses many things. =(
12:10 AM
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
Day: One.
First day without Tom, how interesting how I start blogging around 2pm, when yesterday he left on a plane around this time. haha how sentimental..
I did not really tell anyone or say anything to anyone... except I think there may be something wrong with me. I cough so much more recently, and sometimes thick phlegm comes up. Perhaps I am due for a doctor's appointment...
I have been living in my basement to go sleep for a while because sleeping upstairs is too hot, and maybe I like living in the dark. Haha kidding, I do not swing that way. Not the emo OMG death is awesome sort of person. I do not think I ever was. Sometimes people can become disillusioned by the stress and endless things they have to do and well, people become a little extreme.
This summer, I have a bucketlist, or things I HAVE TO DO.
Ultimate to-do list:
1. get fit, go to the GYM! 2. buy business/semi-formal attire (blazer, pencil skirt, lower black heels/flats, shirt) 3. make-up (brushes, eyelash curler, foundation, concealer, eyeshadow) 4. Visit the musical garden (has ties to Yo-yo Ma?) 5. Learn to be more outgoing (join leadership group? :S) 6. SOCIALIZE
etc etc...
Yeah. life sucks because I'm hiding out in a basement, cleaning out endless books from ages ago. whatever. its fun! I found my copy of Bloodletting & Miraculous Cures by Vincent Lam. I lost that book in the basement for years, and I've only read it once. Its in such a good condition no one would think I ever read that book. :)
YAY~
Did I forget to mention I still miss Tom a lot? :( I try not to think much about it, because if I do, sadness consumes me...
2:21 PM
Night: One.
First night Tom is gone. What to talk about.... haha.
I think that this has to be one of the few nights where one would never find me on my cell phone til I fall asleep. Or from 9pm til 7am. I don't know, but it seems like its going to be so quiet for quite a long time. Oh well, I mean I can't always be on the phone.
Today, I realized even more that I am a complete melodramatic person. I mean extremist. Someone leaving for Peru for 2 WEEKS I can probably make it seem like they're going off to the nonexistent war in the land of invisibility. Honestly, neeed to stop. I'll probably make someone cry because I'm crying. Sound pretty sad right? Exactly.
I went over to my parents' friends' house, and met up with a Fr. Au, whom I have not seen since a long time ago. He was just as chill as I remember him from long long long ago. He was funny, and at times completely serious. Coolest asian priest I know, and trust, it takes cool people to understand his jokes. Haha joking.
So while Mr. Awesomeness is off with Ben in Peru, I am determined to lean a lot more guitar without him to surprise him, and maybe just sort of become more independent than how I was before. I mean, I have been pretty clingy and needy all the time, needing the company of someone or else I feel so uncomfortable. I probably need to go out there and just... prove myself, I mean it is about time.
Everyone is going far away, and hey, might as well put myself to use. This will be to document my everyday (hopefully).
JEEZ I NEED TO GET BACK TO A GYM.
love all around, despite my current disappearance because of the trouble I got into... whatever.
12:31 AM
Thursday, July 01, 2010
Is it bad if I get excited for one thing and end up not going? is that so bad? It is as if I don't go people get pissed and sad about it, when the whole reason of me not going is so that people can have more fun.
I always am an anti-socialist, and it is hard for me to connect with people if I really don't have things in common with them. Take my cousin for example. She;s amazing and completely awesome, but I have problems connecting with her. I ended up just pushing her and everyone else away.
I kinda wish... I could run away. So far and so long that people stopped caring, or searching for me. It could be... normal and less...
nevermind. I'm being retarded. Like that ever happens. It never does. It never will.
So how come I can't get it off my mind?
5:30 PM
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Epilogue
I guess you could say that everything is sort of okay now. I need time to smooth things out and completely be comfortable. Though he changed in appearance and perspective, there are a few things that stayed the same and probably will for a long time while this relationship continues.
I went to go see them today. I got back a turtle, and a really beautiful bracelet Tom hunted from Peru... and it is made completely out of silver, with a silver star. Its so pretty, and it does not look like anything I have seen before from around here. To be able to have someone as special as Tom, I felt bad because I wanted to break up with him a while back, but I could not because the reasons why were not legitimate enough, and also there were a few people who helped me look past that...
But I still ended up crying about it to Tom, at the randomest time ever. EVER.
And the optometrist guy was weird. He talked to Cae and my dad for a long time, and barely said anything to me when it came my turn. But oh well, and honestly... the dilating my pupils thing... not so fun. It took more than 5 hours for the drops to wear off and for my pupils to return to normal size. ><" So even at Ben and Tom's, my pupils were still dilated.
FML. Other than that, I think I'll dip. into a pool. :D later.
8:25 PM
Night: Fifteen
You're probably thinking... WHAT?!? there's a fifteen? I thought he was back! Technically speaking, yeah sure he landed.
It doesn't help ease the uncertainty and the unhappiness I feel. Despite that he's home, it almost seems like I dread it a lot more than him there. Maybe I'm used to him being gone...
I have been talking to Fred, and I found out that his girlfriend broke up with him. Though I did see this coming, it makes me sad to see something so lovely and a guy who is completely devoted and loved someone with all their heart watch themselves break into tiny pieces. It makes me wonder about myself, for what his girlfriend did to him was something I have done to others. I feel so guilty for doing that to them, or even using them as a rebound because I was too hurt and desperately ward off the feeling of being lonely. I am so horrible... it feels like the life I lead now is full of lies, full of deceit. Why do I get such a happy life right now, while others are suffering though they did nothing wrong? Its not fair...
The more I face myself, the more disgusted I am at myself. It is as if... I changed so much, it becomes difficult to fit into that mould I was in before. I do not kow if I want to continue walking the path I am walking down now. Maybe I wasn't meant for this life, maybe there's something I am missing. Its not Tom, its...
It might be something I have neglected for a while.
1:38 AM
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Day: Fourteen
So, I watched Despicable Me. It was the cutest thing ever, and how it ended made me so happy yet so touched that I cried.
But, just spending time with my family is something I have neglected for such a long time, but today it felt... nice.
Although I have to go for an optometrist appointment soon, I'm sort of... happy, content with everything right now.
Maybe everything is supposed to be this quiet, more... family oriented?
3:52 PM
Night: Fourteen
Tonight, I guess you can say this is different compared to all the other nights. While talking to Fred who is completely saddened by his situation, I'm try to make him happy, to cheer him up so that he will be strong enough to face anything. Hopefully his happiness and optimism will show him the way through the darkness that may lie ahead.
Beyond all this, I am excited because Tom is coming back tonight. I am anticipating for this day and hopefully I can have him in my arms by tomorrow. I feel so happy and what not, but it doesn't help that Fred is so depressing. But hey, it'll get things out of his system. :)
I was going to go to the pool, but I didn't, and I spent a while filling it up again with more water, pumping it up, etc etc... and reading a calculus book. Teehee.
I just noticed I have been starting to eat less. I realized this by playing with a bone and it was popping out and was more evident. So did I get fat or thin? Hm... did I get a tan? Am I adequate enough to be called a vampire? Haha kidding.
I want to stay up til 5am tonight, but I can't because I have to wake up early tomorrow, watch Despicable Me, eye exam and then a boring dinner with my dad's old classmates and I will be bored out of my mind I will explode. Literally. Oh well, I mean I shouldn't complain. :) I'm lucky enough.
Night.
2:02 AM
Monday, July 19, 2010
Day: Thirteen
I didn't sleep until five in the morning. Its okay I guess, since I occasionally do that. Staring out at the darkened sky, and being able to witness the sky brightening up before I go to bed. So I get to see the light blue sky behind grey clouds, knowing I will be able to wake up in a few hours.
I haven't told anyone, but I am scared that one day I am not going to wake up to see the sky. Or anyone I know and cherish. There would be so many regrets, so many things I would be unable to do. How do you cope with the regret? Also, how would others react?
So I formulated a plan from now until Thursday. Due to the fact that Tom is coming back, maybe I should not talk to him for the next few days. It is going to be torturous for both of us, but seriously, I haven't stopped talking and Tom has been online almost every single day I am pretty sure many are VERY annoyed. I know a few people on my side are. There needs to be space, there needs to be silence. I can already see myself not able to follow through, but I will make sure I do not betray myself like how I usually do. It may do us both good, along with other people.
Starting today, I am beginning my grade 12 preparations, along with reviewing grade 11 things. Because I organized my archives, it makes the subjects I am looking for more convenient compared to a month ago. I need to start getting serious because I am fully determined to blow UBC away, and change so many things about me. Let's just call it a reinvention of myself for the better. Most people would say "Oh but you're great how you are." Unfortunately, my current actions cannot take me far. Though I am still opening up, I need to be able to socialize more, and properly dress the part to look at least more professional. So, I am just stepping outside of my shell a bit and just.. opening up a lot more for the sake of my future plans. (Secretary, PR, interviews galore?) Mm.... but I am sure and I am hopeful I with all these preparations I will not get sidetracked by anyone or anything.
Except i still have to finish Avatar: The Last Airbender. I just started on Book 3 so I am on my way to completion. I am home for the entire day, so maybe something good will come up.
I might go dip in the mini-pool later or something. I don't know. A good wake up call maybe?
Later.
3:00 PM
Night: Thirteen
I do not know why, but I am really, really, REALLY angry or easily agitated. So easily agitated.
I fell asleep while reading up on calculus, and I am so sure I am going to fail.
Then a bunch of stuff. Giving relationship advice, massive headaches, etc etc.. whatever.
Seriously annoyed beyond words can express, and I don't know how to solve it. I can hardly give a shit if Tom comes back tomorrow, nor do I wish to see him because that's how annoyed I am. I'm probably going to end up making up some lame excuse that's half true to ward him off. I don't know, I'll see depending on my mood.
Rawr.
12:47 AM
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Day: Twelve
Church is very interesting. For once, we were not late (I don't think 2 minutes counts) and everyone woke up early. Unfortunately, my contacts weren't going well for me so I was like half unable to see, so it really sucked. I was walking around the mall with Cae because she had to work at American Eagle at 12pm and I saw this really cute guy cardigan, and its really preppy. Its so cute~ but I don't know, it doesn't look like something that Tom or any other guy I know would wear... it looks way too preppy. I don't know. We'll see, but Cae got it for herself and it looks uber cute. But she can fit into it, as for me it looks like I stole someone's.
I got stuff for Calculus and Calculus for Dummies (go figure), and I am going to start working on Calculus stuff... joy. I don't know.
That's all. :)
3:45 PM
Night: Twelve
Well, I did not succeed in typing out that e-mail and sending it to you, causing you heartbreak and what not. Yet I know if I did, you will be trying to figure out everything through the aching of your heart and the tears. I guess its a good thing. I mean, you create such a calm and serene place for me to just... relax and be myself despite the stress I cause to myself and everything else.
Anyways, beyond that let me backtrack.
Yesterday, my dad told me to aid him to put up a small 8" pool thingy in our backyard. Its not big (my backyard), but having that small pool is better than nothing. Its a great way to cool off besides showering, and plus I'm not planning to do laps in that pool. Haha, I guess its more like enjoying myself and having a talk with whoever's in there.
I've been trying to put myself back out there before Tom comes back, and its hard for I can never stop talking about him. I care about him so much I start to wonder when its TOO much. I don't want to ditch him that urgently, but its more like I don't know how to deal with everything when school resumes again. I'm confused more than anything.
rawr.
haha funny things happening. NIGHT~
1:25 AM
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Day: Eleven
Opened up a pool outside. The sort of blow up one. LOL its nice. And freakishly cold.
Its also windy today. But its fun hanging out with Cae. :)
elaborate later, going to attempt to get a tan.
:D
2:32 PM
Night: Eleven
Maybe we were destined for heartbreak. Maybe we all are. Or maybe I like breaking my own heart, ripping myself to pieces to remember that the world is never perfect, there are so many people who feel worse than me. Its like in the developed world, we're so conceited and self-absorbed. All we care about is how much money we don't have, how we have to be successful by having an unlimited amount of money in your bank account. Doesn't everything just come down to those things in the future? To become things we might not like but its all for the money?
I do not know myself anymore. One second I am bawling my eyes out because I miss someone, yet I play it cool and when he calls, I act cold hearted and ask if we should break up. Does that make any sense? I am still debating if it would be a good idea, for I am afraid of the future. Is this even going to last? Will it affect me... no. I am not going to continue, because he will try to find the source of why I am thinking like this. Maybe some things are meant to be kept a secret. But on the other hand, if I do break up with him, that will cause such sadness and heartbreak for the both of us, that the whole reason of breaking up with become counter-productive. Is it better to be happily distracted or sorrowfully distracted? Do I want to rid of someone whom I can lean on?
So many unanswered questions in my head...
He says "I love you". What does that even mean? Does he mean it? Do I sincerely believe it? Am I doubting myself and this entire relationship? Should he even be trusting me anymore? I tell him things have changed. I am trying so hard to build myself up so that if there is ever a time to say goodbye, I do not break like a vase that someone knocked over and fell unto the ground. Is it even a good thing to be that strong? I mean, if you act too cool to the point the termination of a relationship does not seem to affect you, does it not show the other that the relationship meant nothing or meant little to you? Should you show your emotional side or keep it hidden deep inside?
More on the happy side, I took a picture of something really cute. I hope that maybe it would make up for my oddness. I hate to say this but... I still miss him. I guess me trying to act strong and cold hurts him a lot. But as I said before, I like breaking my heart... I wonder if I actually even mean that.
But really, moving past this uneasy-ness, I actually have something up my sleeve for when he comes back. Haha.. I should start planning...
12:00 AM
Friday, July 16, 2010
Day: Ten
Not much to say. Guitar maybe?
9:00 AM
Night: Ten
To think, he might be home soon. Closer to me. But really, is it a good thing? Somehow though I am supposed to be at ease, I feel more uncomfortable than anything. I stare at his motionless pictures everyday, but I feel nothing. I listen to recordings, nothing. I am starting to wonder if I am over him or over something. The flowers are cute, and brighten up my room.
What would life be without flowers, the presents, the memories of you? How would I be like? Would I be content? Would there be many things that I would have not developed? I know that I would not be good friends with Mike again, learning guitar, crying so hard because you're gone, no flowers, no Keroppi, no interrupting cows, no ring, no fun lunches... wow. Lower phone bill? (maybe).
I probably cannot live without you now. Everyday most of my thoughts end up pointing at you. I keep listening to your Sleep Playlist, and I wait for the sound of rain. Am I anticipating for your return then try to play it cool and just brush it off? Or should I play the ecstatic girlfriend? Haha nah, Ben will probably have my head.
While I was cleaning the washroom I got a bruise. Or a scrape. ==" similar situation with the archery incident. Epic fails Nat, epic fails. I have a bunch of other bruises, scrapes, etc... so its okay. I only say something to the one that hurts the most, compared to every single one because my parents would probably kill me. Haha.
Tomorrow... I have no idea what is going on. I think I'll go to my windowstill and just count the endless number of public transit buses going by my house. Wash mirrors. Blog. joy.
More Avatar: The Last Airbender! I finished the first book so I'm excited. :)
1:50 AM
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Day: Nine
WOW, I am so idiotic. Lets just say, at night and on MSN, your tone of voice cannot be found within text. WHY DO I KEEP FORGETTING. Plus, when its night, its more difficult. ><"""
I spent a while washing washrooms and bathrooms. @.@ My back hurts because I hit my lower back and now my mom is probably going to make me go through insane torture by rubbing it.. GAH.
><"""
more later.
8:38 PM
Night: Nine
So tired. Can't type much.
Got skype. Skyped with Tom. Forgot how he looked. teehee.
it was fun.
-Nat
2:48 AM
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Day: Eight
Late last night I awoken to my dad screaming at my sister. I didn't hear it through my door like usual, but rather outside. It scared me and it made me sad. I know my dad is suffering and he hasn't been the same since last summer and I don't think he fully recovered from it. I can't blame him, for losing someone you love so much would probably take a stab at your heart, leading to depression. Anyways, I think in my opinion, they both need to somehow come to an understanding. Cae is getting depressed and sad all the time because all her close guy friends are leaving her, and she only has a certain amount of time. But I guess what she can't do is come home early, easing my parent's mind and letting them sleep earlier. On top of this, the whole Bosnia trip. Its about $4000 and yet we're supposedly in debt (you're not supposed to know that), so where does this money come from? Like we both rather have that money going towards tuition or like... something productive rather than going to Bosnia and maybe not even knowing if you are going to be enlightened or not by the trip/journey. Its so iffy, and on top of that if you force religion, the ending you want may not happen. It makes me wonder if it would be a good idea to act enlightened to prevent myself from going to Bosnia next year, so money could be saved...
I stayed up for a long time, wondering whether or not Tom called me. He did actually, and supposedly my dad picked up. My mom told me that my dad wasn't fuming when Tom called probably because he knows where Tom is and plus, time difference? He didn't wake me up though. And this was before Cae came home.
Which leads to now. I probably had 4-5 hours of sleep from last night, but its okay. Still trying to recover, and from tearing up when I received a call from Tom this morning being really concerned for I texted him, left messages on MSN and e-mailed him. Couldn't stop crying.
I'm debating whether or not I should go out today or clean more. Regardless, I will survive *sings song* haha... I can't though, because my throat is still clogged with phlegm.
Hope your day or night is better than mine, and I hope when my dad goes on vacation he can actually relax. =/
11:10 AM
Night: Eight
Its unbelievable that its already been a week since Tom left, because it feels like forever. It also feels like everything is getting a bit better, after letting a few things out, and just realizing many things.
I went out with Janice today, and it was fun, despite Janice being late for 45 minutes. I had a nice walk around the mall, and look at things. Comparing prices for black converses so I can prepare to buy them? Hehe. As a compensation to Janice listening to me blab on and on about Tom, I got to STC a few minutes early and bought the tickets. So I basically paid for her movie, and she bought popcorn and drinks because she felt bad about being late and now how I paid for her movie. *sigh*
Being able to take this summer to be out of the loop from drama and many other things, I guess I am lucky in that sense. A quiet yet sad break from everything. Its not like anything can suffice the void I feel. Any distractions are welcome though.
Eclipse... ah what a movie. So funny though, considering Janice and I kept thinking more or less the same thing. BROMANCE~! teehee. But yeah... Taylor Lautner with his shirt off can make anyone giddy. xD
Off to watch Avatar: The Last Airbender the series online..
NTS: still need to practise guitar.
12:00 AM
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Day: Seven
So I ended up not sleeping that early. But I woke up early at least! Getting ready to go to the movies with Janice.
More insight later, need to clothe Paschal. ew.
LOL
later.
10:38 AM
Night: Seven
Hopefully tomorrow would be better than today/last night. The more I think about it, the more sad I get because of the many mistakes I made. I don't want someone to hold fault besides me, because most of the time, it is me.
Today was alright. I went to P-mall with Mike, and I taught him how to fold stars except he keeps squeezing tightly, and found out awesome stationary for letter writing is becoming VERY scarce. :(
But even beyond that, its like I cannot stop talking about Thomas. Why must I bring him up in almost every single conversation? Even after I left P-mall, I ended up at Markville meeting up with Janice, Jenn and Nicole Lam. We sat at McDonald's for a while, gossiping. Even then I was able to bring him up. Is the called obsessive? I saw Parco and a girl named Kelly that works with Tom. Is there a possibility that she may even recognize me? Probably not.
To Thomas,
I'm sorry about what happened last night. I already moved upstairs but you probably can't read this. *sigh*
I'll just go to sleep now then.
I still can't get over you. *sadface*
note: this was written around 9pm on July 12th, 2010
12:00 AM
Monday, July 12, 2010
Day: Six
So last night I was talking to Tom again... it was kind of bad. I don't know why but I tend to put myself down late at night... and tire myself out. I'm basically destroying myself. Living in the basement is bad for my health already and with me sleeping really late doesn't help either.
I am sorry I'm alive, and I make you go through all this sort of crap. You of all people don't deserve this. You can always do better Tom, and its a proven fact.
*sigh*
for the last few days I have been really lazy and haven't been really posting, maybe because I don't have time. But now I do.
The Carabram thing was awesome in its own special way. Most of the time I was looking around Brampton because I was supposed to move there instead of Markham, and I kept asking my dad if it was a better choice moving to Markham instead of Brampton. Looking around like some Catholic high schools it looked so odd to me. But the events were awesome, and I learned a lot and ate a lot too. Periogies, cabbage rolls, rice dumplings, bratwrusts, etc.. I think its a good thing that I didn't end up buying some cotton candy. On the way back home, we went on Hurontario Street/Main St. and it honestly reminded me of Stratford minus the Festival theatre.
I tried my bestest to stop thinking about Tom, and I hope I can continue because its so hard to not be unhappy. I regret telling him how unhappy I am because now he's going to put it all on himself. Its not fair to him, which makes me think whether or not its a good idea to temporarily hide all my feelings for a little over a week, or until a good time... if such a time even exists. He's clearly doing something more productive than I am. It makes me wonder to hide all this sadness if its better to keep the ring off until he comes back. Its supposed to be symbolic and I don't know... does he have to follow me wherever I go? Its like how we act like we're madly in love. But are we really? Or is this all passion or the yearning to be with someone?
I should go get ready... I'm going out with Mike today to teach him how to fold stars, maybe lunch with him and buy stationary. Yay... but I still need to get postage.. ><"
I'll elaborate on this day and many other insights later.
POKEMON T-SHIRT! :D
10:50 AM
Night: Six
So today was funny.
I bought this really uber cute t-shirt with pokemon on it, and now i swear wherever I go i have to plan an outfit to go with the occasion. P-mall means more asian style therefore i can wear the p-chu tee.
And its getting annoying doing this all the time... idk what to write.
RAWR.
1:23 AM
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Day & Night: Five
Last night when I was about to blog, the internet went crazy again. At least its better today.
So, my dad wanted me to go to Brampton for some event called Carabram. Whatever.
Its basically like various countries showing off their stuff at various spots in Brampton. I visited Portugal, Ireland, Germany, Hawaii, Myanmaar, etc. It was interesting and what not... went from 2-9 haha... intense no?
this morning I went to church, and then Markville. At Markville I saw Ivan but it took a while for me to register that. Why is it that every guy that waves his hand in front of me I don't see them until a few minutes later? I mean John Tse did the same thing to me once in Foody. Weird...
its hot.
and my blood boils too much. Here, I'll explain more later tonight in Night six.
7:31 PM
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Day: Four
The Internet is back on, hurray.
I'm on my sister's Macbook while my dad is using the Toshiba. I kept tearing up last night because it was like my first time out in 2-3 days and a lot of things on the road made me think. My dad asked me to take a ride with him because I need fresh air and he had to drive Cae to MTR karaoke (Hwy 7/Leslie, behind Premiere banquet hall) but she had to drop off things at her boyfriend's. So my dad drove by a house which made me think, then later on a car in front of us made me think.... a lot of places just brought tears. It didn't help that I was listening to sad slow songs because I was sad enough.
While I was in the car, he signed on. *sigh* whatever...
I think my dad wants me out of the house again. Going to some caravan thingy or whatever in Mississauga. I don't want to go because its so far, but I guess I basically have no choice. But I guess its good because being entrapped in the basement isn't so healthy for me. Plus when Paschal was down here, he got hives. Its not clean down here... maybe that's why. I'm prolonging my weird cough and prints on my arm.
I'm sort of getting used to not wearing the ring. Although my finger looks empty, I guess it shows how unhappy I have been. I promised that I wouldn't be that sad or you know, wouldn't miss him that much for two weeks, but so many things can happen in two weeks. I think Cae was saying she wants to take me out to a club, so if I do that means I have to be drunk enough to be okay that other drunken guys try to get me to grind up on them. ew~ But Janice and Mike are trying to I guess snap me out of this sort of insane uber sadness that I do not understand why I have it because he's not gone for that long. It just feels like it. Whenever someone says "I'll be back in a jiffy!" or "Two weeks will fly by", what does fly and jiffy mean? and I know "time flies when you're having fun" but what if you're not having fun? Or you're just faking that you're having fun? Doesn't that say how unhappy someone is but does not want to ruin the fun for others so faking it is a lot better than showing your true feelings.
Taeyang's You're My is nice. I don't know why. YAY!
:(
It doesn't help that as the days pass, the more I get scared I will be sent to Bosnia instead of Cae. Or by the time he comes back I would be so torn up about everything that I don't want to see him until September. I don't know. I'm already down. No need for me to go all the way till I hit the centre of the earth.
*sigh* I don't think I can get any worse. But for sure, I need to stop being so attached to someone who might not always be here. I mean, people can do a certain amount. The rest is up to the individual, and no one else. I guess I forgot how it felt like. Everything is so quiet. Completely detached from my phone, I barely even pick up my phone anymore because most of the time at home its not close to me. Otherwise, whenever I go out or before I sleep its around me.
Can't wait until I see Janice and Mike next week or anyone else. Maybe things will get better then.
10:47 AM
Night: Four
Internet died. DSL doesn't work, therefore life sucks.
I probably can't say anything more.
I started freaking out when that happened. Maybe because that means I get less of a chance to find Tom online. Its fine, because maybe I have already started to forget a few things about him. But its alright, I mean time flies when you're having fun so I'll attempt to have "fun".
I stopped wearing the ring. I don't know why, but I have to remember I keeping in... the jewelry box where I keep the purple crystal. Okay.
I can't wait for you anymore. I keep losing signal so easily, I might as well give up.
Maybe this wasn't meant to be Tom. Maybe all we keep trying to do is defy destiny, NOT GRAVITY.
rawr.
12:05 AM
Friday, July 09, 2010
Day: Three
I swear, I have officially become a mattress potato. Having an obsession with the mattress I sleep on, I have started to spend maybe over 12 hours on one. Kinda sad, isn't it?
I do not feel like doing anything. I want to... drift away and just.. dissipate. Wouldn't that be lovely. I am having less and less to say, because my daily life is never that productive.
I mean, I sleep around 2 or 3 in the morning, then wake up around 11, stay in bed til maybe almost 1. Watch endless korean dramas and just.. sit around.
By the time this week ends, there is nothing left to say, because there is nothing to know. Everyone would be able to see a pattern here.
I, am just a stick. A thin, pale, sick stick.
That is all I am.
Oh. and update on my conquest of cleaning the basement, I found my grade nine mathematics! YAY~
3:02 PM
Night: Three.
I organized everything. There's about three boxes of stuff, and its probably going to increase soon. Completely sorted my archives alphabetically by course name. One box for binders, books, etc. Working on audio-visual stuff tomorrow. And maybe the gym, but I highly doubt it because I keep sleeping so late.
I bursted into tears while I was talking to Tom on MSN. I am still worrying about whether or not I would be able to remember. At most, the only things reminding me is the guitar picks because there's one that's pink and another which is maroon, the guitar itself, the frog and the ring on my middle finger of my left hand. Haha.. jeez I sound like I'm basically married. ew. LOL just saying because seriously, no one gets married at seventeen and last. This world is full of... uncertainty and too many temptations.
So far, my favourite song to listen to at night is: Kite Song by Rosie Thomas. ==" ironic. Anyways, I would totally love to find someone to play piano and guitar for it. Maybe perform it for vocal class or concert? haha.
I am excited for next week. Maybe for once I can go out, and do something somewhat productive. All I have been doing everyday is just watch dramas. Japanese ones (Zettai Reido), Korean ones (Bad Love) and maybe start a Taiwanese one? And maybe stalk down Camp Rock 2 before Family shows it. I do not know. I'm that bored.
Night. =)
12:06 AM
Thursday, July 08, 2010
Day: Two
Well then. I guess people are too lazy to check whenever I have a blog post, or even want to follow me. I found how to follow me!! LOL.
follow this link! http://www.blogger.com/follow-blog.g?blogID=24564150
yeaah. Okkies. I have been wondering how many people even read this, so please, ease my curiosity! =D
I slept late again (FWHEEE~) and woke up at around eleven? It is weird though, because my mom keeps yelling and everything is loud. Oh well.
I've been cleaning the basement, and I keep saying I am going to the GYM! But I can't wake up early enough to go without seeing that many people. Perhaps I should sleep early tonight...
The basement is really messy, but it is a working process, and it was something our family kept saying for maybe over 2-3 years but never put into action? UNTIL NOW. HAHAH!! I got rid of a lot of things, and I wasn't aware how much I kept until I looked at my archives. There is A LOT. I am still searching for my grade nine math stuff though. =(
I was also looking for a place where I can stream the Last Song without putting in my non-existent credit card and without paying. Haha I am so cheap, but hey. Not spending maybe over $3 to see Miley. No offense.
Another day spent in the basement! YAY!
The end. Until night~
2:04 PM
Night: Two.
Its night again! YAY!
Currently experiencing self-denial. Janice and I were talking on MSN and she asked if I was sad and then I went into self-denial and was like "No, Tom doesn't miss me" but later on I did say that but I mean hey. Tom, are you not having fun?
Anyways, he called. And MSN-ed. and e-mailed. Haha oddness. But I do not know, Cae got really agitated again because the endless talks ABOUT him might drive someone crazy. And I just realized I never shut my mouth about him. WOW!! POW! LOL POW!!
It crazy dark tonight. And mosquitoes scare me. I mean they used to not bother me because I never got bitten (YAY!) but now, its an entirely different scenario. Darnn.
Mad hunt on a job, I heard Kiddie Kobbler was hiring. YAY kiddie shoes! That means I need to spiffy up my resume... =="
I'm bored. I hope to do something more interesting or just end up watching more things and creating more calluses.
Almost got reduced to tears.... and in trouble because I got a long distance call on my cell. ><"" NTS: get him to call house phone. emphasis on HOUSE. PHONE.
whatever. I "temporarily" give up on him, because the calling cards are a bitch. Tried purchasing the Wal-Mart ones, they go so quickly and the rates are stupidly high so you finish them so quickly. HEADS UP.
kay. DONE~~ lol I was about to stop this blogging and talking and e-mailing, but someone I guess was too homesick. If not then misses many things. =(
12:10 AM
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
Day: One.
First day without Tom, how interesting how I start blogging around 2pm, when yesterday he left on a plane around this time. haha how sentimental..
I did not really tell anyone or say anything to anyone... except I think there may be something wrong with me. I cough so much more recently, and sometimes thick phlegm comes up. Perhaps I am due for a doctor's appointment...
I have been living in my basement to go sleep for a while because sleeping upstairs is too hot, and maybe I like living in the dark. Haha kidding, I do not swing that way. Not the emo OMG death is awesome sort of person. I do not think I ever was. Sometimes people can become disillusioned by the stress and endless things they have to do and well, people become a little extreme.
This summer, I have a bucketlist, or things I HAVE TO DO.
Ultimate to-do list:
1. get fit, go to the GYM! 2. buy business/semi-formal attire (blazer, pencil skirt, lower black heels/flats, shirt) 3. make-up (brushes, eyelash curler, foundation, concealer, eyeshadow) 4. Visit the musical garden (has ties to Yo-yo Ma?) 5. Learn to be more outgoing (join leadership group? :S) 6. SOCIALIZE
etc etc...
Yeah. life sucks because I'm hiding out in a basement, cleaning out endless books from ages ago. whatever. its fun! I found my copy of Bloodletting & Miraculous Cures by Vincent Lam. I lost that book in the basement for years, and I've only read it once. Its in such a good condition no one would think I ever read that book. :)
YAY~
Did I forget to mention I still miss Tom a lot? :( I try not to think much about it, because if I do, sadness consumes me...
2:21 PM
Night: One.
First night Tom is gone. What to talk about.... haha.
I think that this has to be one of the few nights where one would never find me on my cell phone til I fall asleep. Or from 9pm til 7am. I don't know, but it seems like its going to be so quiet for quite a long time. Oh well, I mean I can't always be on the phone.
Today, I realized even more that I am a complete melodramatic person. I mean extremist. Someone leaving for Peru for 2 WEEKS I can probably make it seem like they're going off to the nonexistent war in the land of invisibility. Honestly, neeed to stop. I'll probably make someone cry because I'm crying. Sound pretty sad right? Exactly.
I went over to my parents' friends' house, and met up with a Fr. Au, whom I have not seen since a long time ago. He was just as chill as I remember him from long long long ago. He was funny, and at times completely serious. Coolest asian priest I know, and trust, it takes cool people to understand his jokes. Haha joking.
So while Mr. Awesomeness is off with Ben in Peru, I am determined to lean a lot more guitar without him to surprise him, and maybe just sort of become more independent than how I was before. I mean, I have been pretty clingy and needy all the time, needing the company of someone or else I feel so uncomfortable. I probably need to go out there and just... prove myself, I mean it is about time.
Everyone is going far away, and hey, might as well put myself to use. This will be to document my everyday (hopefully).
JEEZ I NEED TO GET BACK TO A GYM.
love all around, despite my current disappearance because of the trouble I got into... whatever.
12:31 AM
Thursday, July 01, 2010
Is it bad if I get excited for one thing and end up not going? is that so bad? It is as if I don't go people get pissed and sad about it, when the whole reason of me not going is so that people can have more fun.
I always am an anti-socialist, and it is hard for me to connect with people if I really don't have things in common with them. Take my cousin for example. She;s amazing and completely awesome, but I have problems connecting with her. I ended up just pushing her and everyone else away.
I kinda wish... I could run away. So far and so long that people stopped caring, or searching for me. It could be... normal and less...
nevermind. I'm being retarded. Like that ever happens. It never does. It never will.
