BEYOND THE LENS.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

It is almost New Year's Eve! I might as well start on my New Years Resolutions

1. NO MORE MIND GAMES.
2. no more stupid stunts on facebook.
3. SLEEP EARLY
4. Stop trying to comfort someone and make them worry again with one sentence.
5. RESTRAIN ONESELF especially in front of friends.
like jeez no need to make everything more awkward
6. learn to clean room on a regular basis
7. YMCA. MAKE USE OF IT! and perhaps get out more.. as in running.
8. stress less please!
9. learn to live without cellphone and laptop
10. live and be happy.

4:38 PM

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Today.
A new day, and a bit of a new beginning of learning how to cope alone for a while.

I tried waking up to an alarm at 4am to talk to Tom before he left, but I guess I was too tired to wake up and feel the urgency to call.

So I spent a while watching Koizora, a Japanese drama. The love depicted in the drama seemed so simple, yet so difficult. It was cute and in the end I was so heartbroken and cried enough to build a stream. (ha ha).

Anyways, I ended up talking to Tom when he was online for a few minutes, and me trying to hold back tears... failed epically. Its like I am a faucet, completely controlled by emotions. If I am too sad, I start crying and nothing can stop the rate of tears flowing out of my eyes. Etc etc... I hope someone understands this analogy.

I went to dinner, and I tried to swallow the pills. Unfortunately, I am starting to have problems once again swallowing pills. I think it may be because I am too nervous and my throat just closes... anyways, the taste of the pill in my mouth revolts me so much that I honestly feel like throwing everything up. I want to stop taking pills... I want to stop being so dependent on things the pharmacists prepare and what the doctors prescribe. Is it possible to take away all the powder, the pills, the taste out of your mouth? Why preserve life when we should just live life until we have to die naturally. Whether a fever or a cold or cancer. That way we learn to enjoy life and live it to its full potential rather than dragging it along for so long and never learning how precious life is until it is too late for example if one contracted a life-threatening disease. Stuff you see on dramas.

I am so sick and done with doctors. With medicine. I just want to be left alone. When anything goes wrong, I would rather squirm in pain on a bed at home rather than having needles stuck inside me in an uncomfortable bed in the hospital. They... SUCK. To think, I wanted to be a doctor or go into medicine. Yet I sort of criticize it. I would rather have people prolong their lives rather than myself because hey. I am not helping the world, I am just making it deteriorate faster.

this is me. perhaps growing weaker and weaker everyday. For now though, just a healthy human trying to not eat her prescribed medication. :)

8:04 PM

The moon is so big and round tonight.
So white and pale like untouched winter's snow.
Looking down upon the world
Whatever we are doing
Stop and marvel at the beauty of the moon
The brightest thing in the night's sky.

When it hides behind the clouds that pass by
reminds me when we hide behind something
whenever we do not have courage
Don't have the strength to do what we wish to do.
But when we stop hiding and shine like the stars that accompany the moon
It makes the night sky less lonely.

As for the people down on earth, it feels that the loved ones who cannot be with us at the very moment
are right beside us
watching us.
protecting us forever.

inspired by Koizora/Sky of Love, a japanese drama and its theme song Ai no Uta (Love song) by Fukui Mai.

6:11 PM

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Ah. The day after Christmas. Is for shopping.
Not that I am a big fan of it.
But in order to entertain, I sucked it up.

As far as health goes... its alright. I am still learning how to swallow pills. It is going mightily well... except I lost my Tamiflu pills. there were only 3 left. It will drive me insane for I cannot find it anywhere! I do not think I dropped it nor do I want a whole bunch to be prescribed to me once again...
The other tablets I still have and I will finish those... without saying a word

Christmas... I believe that what you receive does not matter, but the thought that goes into the season means a lot more than how much we spend on a gift. So, I have received...

- Marc Jacobs Daisy solid perfume necklace
- AE puffer jacket
- solitare pendant
- The Awakening (by Kate Chopin)
- Chemistry for Dummies
- $25 iTunes gift certificate
- $25 Chapters/Indigo gift certificate
- Love & Toast hand lotion
- 2010 all about you! calendar
- journal

i loved them all. it was fun~

11:47 PM

Thursday, December 24, 2009

While on the phone with lovely Tom, I'm just thinking.

The past few days has been difficult, also joyful. Tom also says hi to the world!! x)

I went to the doctor's to get a checkup after my dad, Tom, Mike and Calvin and everyone else advised me to stop stressing out about school and such. The doctor could not find anything wrong with me, so I did urine and blood tests. On top of that, I had to get a chest x-ray and learn how to swallow a bunch of pills/capsules

this is so hard to do while someone is going Nat...nat.... FINE IGNORE ME! haha I love you.

Too difficult.

Christmas is tomorrow! oh the joy!! Lol I don't know. I opened two presents so far, and I love what I received from both people, despite that it is materialistic. :) I love what he got me... a certain necklace... x) I don't know. I feel very odd because I felt that I could have gotten him something better. Materialistically. GAH!
@.@

I will make this really short because I don't know... I'm so.... confused. He's leaving soon, and I'm trying really hard to conceal my feelings. Unfortunately posting it up here will not make Tom feel any better. AT ALL.

Well anywho, that is enough. Merry Christmas everyone!!

11:36 PM

Monday, December 21, 2009

I don't want to be the one to make you cry when we say goodbye.
Feeling you feel bad in my heart everytime I have to break the bad news
Causing silent tears to fall down my cheeks
I cannot console you, nor hide the truth
Because though it hurts, it is better for you to hear it from me
and only me.

I don't want to be the one to make you sad because of timing.
I face another difficulty much different from yours
You are stronger than me in many ways unimaginable
Whereas I hide behind a computer screen
Concealing the emotions that I feel
For I do not want you to see.

I don't want to be the one to make you concerned because of me.
Each person walks a different path than others
Ours just happens to collide together
Simply just being with you
Made me joyful and happy
and I could never ask for more.

I just want you to be happy.
Be joyful for how far we have come and be grateful.
Feel warm though we have to say goodnight and goodbye
Remember no matter what happens to us
I love you Tom.
From the beginning, until the very end.

5:38 PM

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Well. I'm guessing you are wondering why I am up so early. It is currently about 6:28am. Do not get anxious or scared for I will not be getting any sleep. I thought that my fever was gone yesterday because I went down to a 37.3. Unfortunately, I was wrong. I am not back up to a 39.3 except the only thing that is really bothering me is that I feel perfectly normal. I do not know if the thermometer is lying to me or what.

The worst part of it all, I cannot find the container of Advil. Nevermind. I just found it. :P I thought one pill of Advil would do me good. What could possibly be provoking my fever? Perhaps the heated blanket? I have just started using it recently, and it keeps my toes warm, which I have always been unable to accomplish for perhaps I do not have enough blood, or I am not producing enough body heat.

I feel like talking to someone but hey. No one is on so early in the morning on a Saturday. I am disapponted though. Tom promised me that if I was about 37.4 and lower I get to go out with him today and buy Brenda's gift. I am so worried that I will not get better today or tomorrow, forcing me to not attend Chris' baptism, or going to Brenda's birthday celebration. Why must my body be like this? Why must I always get sick on the most important days especially in December? This is not fair, though I already know that life is never fair.

What is the whole point of being hopeful now? I feel like I have been isolated from everyone. I want to be able to stop Tom from worrying about me. I just want him to be happy, but I feel like all I am doing to him is making him more concerned everyday. Perhaps this is why every relationship I have ever been in failed. I did not want to open up because it would make people concerned, and I dislike the worry in their eyes. I would like to stop the suffering I make people go through. Stop with all the mind games, and be completely problem-free.

Is this too much to ask for?

6:46 AM

Friday, December 18, 2009

Well. Recently, on the 17th I went to go volunteer at the Vancouver 2010 Olympics Torch Relay with Unionville Youth Council. It was so cold, but it was so much fun! Handing out hot chocolates, and becoming a chain of sweatshop labour slaves making many olympic torches out of paper for the Olympic torch craft. It was cute, because many people wanted one as a souvenir. On top of that, Coca-Cola was giving out cool coke bottles. We took many, but without a bag of some sort, it is difficult to find a way to transport so many back home on the bus without looking a bit skeptical.

After we all finished surviving 5 hours of intense cold + fun, I went home. On the way, I realized that I felt a bit odd, and my feet were so cold that I had difficulty walking properly. So I ended up shuffling my feet all the way to the bus stop. By the time I arrived home, I was still cold, my feet were defrosting and I felt lightheaded which I assumed was because I didn't really sit down. I went to school, went to Reach for the Top then realized that the lightheadedness was not going away, and it was quickly turning into a headache. Tom and I walked away for a while, and then he put his hand on my forehead then said "Nat, you're burning up a bit". I don't know why, but that sentence made me cry. Perhaps it was because I was worrying and stressing so much, and now having known I have fallen ill is not great on a day that is very stressful. Even my parents agreed and I started taking my temperature. I went from a 37.5 to a 38.6 by the end of the day.

So for the entire day, I was literally going around having nothing to do. I watched Gossip Girl, I tried sleeping but I could not because my cell phone kept ringing for the notifications of text messages received or incoming phone calls. I woke up at 6:58am though, and I was just bored so I went onto the laptop. Afterwards I went to school to drop of gifts that I was supposed to give but I kept forgetting to bring to school. Despite getting sleep and everything else, I chose not to take medication. I went to about 39.7 degrees before I gave in and took 1 Advil pill. To be honest, that one Advil pill did me good. The fever has departed, but it still feels very cold.

I chose not to see Tom today, and I did not want many people to see me today either. At school, a few people did see me for I needed to give them the gifts, but I did not want Tom around because I was scared he would be too close to me and I would somehow be contagious and pass on the fever to him. After dinner when I found out I was fine, I went with my mom to the mall. On my way there I saw Ben and a girl walking. Except I am not so sure, but I think I did recognize Ben's jacket. Chris saw me, except I made it very awkward yet obvious that I would not like to be seen. I felt bad afterwards, because perhaps I should have said hi rather than motion and quickly move without any eye contact. And in the end, despite how hard I tried, I ended up seeing Tom. He was working, and my mom had the weirdest craving for a wildberry sundae. Did I mention its REALLY COLD?!

I cannot wait for this weekend. Going to attend Chris' baptism, Brenda's birthday celebration, seeing family members I haven't seen since summer, it is all so exciting! Unfortunately, I have not begun on my homework over the holidays. T.T It is time for me to sleep, for I am blogging way too late. Goodnight!

11:59 PM

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I finally got around to take time off and find a way to adjust the layout so that you couldn't see the picture going on again. So now, all you see is more wood. YAY!

Though I haven't blogged in a few days, it feels best if I just got everything out before I went to bed.

This weekend got me to think a lot more than usual. On Saturday, my dad called me into his room to discuss about something. It turned out that he was concerned about my safety because I told him the night before that I was going over to a friend's house to get chemistry help for I was falling behind. He started telling me how a girl all by herself going to a guy's house sounds very sketchy. Also there would be gossip about you, and you start losing your integrity. I can understand because a few years ago I gave my sister a look whenever I found out she went over to her boyfriend's house. Now I cannot blame her for getting angry at me so easily. In the end, I told Mr. Epic that I couldn't go over to his house to do chemistry but instead I told him to meet me at a coffee shop near his house. We did everything as planned, and so I did not have to lie to my dad.

On top of that, my dad thought I went over to talk to Mr. Epic's brother, and perhaps is getting the hunch that I am going out with Mr. Epic's twin. HAHA~

In a few hours will be Mr. Epic and my first month. Haha he's so sweet. I do not think I have ever had someone do so much for me and every moment spent with him is probably the best ever. Staring at a pink rose and feeling the scarf around my neck once again, I cannot help but feel deeply in love or extremely infactuated. Waterguns, the most moving quote I have ever fell in love with, fuzzy peaches galore, a Hannah Montana watch (haha...), and a cute plushie and I am honestly a goner.

Earlier today he managed to stay with me after school until after the Christmas Concert at school. Helping me with math, biology, chemistry, and being himself. He even tried staying up last night just so I would have company and wouldn't be alone at night. Seriously... wow. To be honest, I have never had a guy do that for me. Its insane, and yet so sweet. Well anyways, he managed to get approval from Bridget (which is not much but she is pretty nosy and whatever), and get a taste of the drama behind the music. Afterwards, I finally officially introduced him to my dad.... but not as my boyfriend or else there goes the entire school and my life. oddly enough, he seems that my dad has a slight idea that I may be going out with Tom so its alright... until he blows. Then I am screwed for.

Ah, Christmas is coming soon. I still need to look for part two.... :)

Happy One Month Tom! ily~

11:44 PM

Friday, December 11, 2009

I don't know what to type.

I felt an urge to blog, to at least let my feelings out so I wouldn't feel as bad, but I guess due to the change of weather it is bringing me down a little. Or its the music moving me again.

Sometimes, I feel that perhaps I expect too much from this world. We are all materialistic as much as we may hate to admit, but it is true. We cannot live without something that others may not even have the chance to ever own. A cell phone, a television set, paper.... school supplies. Looking at myself, I sort of feel ashamed. I have more than enough of what I want. yet, sometimes you wish for more. More luxuries that is completely unnecessary because hey. We're still young, and yet we want the best. Isn't having something already the best thing of all?

I just took time away from homework, dramas, and babysitting my siblings, and read about 2-3 of Chris' posts on his blog. To be honest, reading those posts made me think about what I wrote on my blog, and I seem so... shallow. Every single paragraph, all you see are the words I, me. Is there something wrong with today's individualistic world? Or is it just me? Here we go again.

Having my sister interrupt and talking to me, just looking at her and the songs she listens to makes me ponder. Though she is going through a hard time for it is grade twelve, we are both so different. Its almost as if everyday she comes home with something new. A cute coat, and endless amounts of clothing that she can mix and match to create a perfect outfit. Sometimes I'm jealous, for I know I can never be like her, but You can see that she is similar to a material girl. But, in order to go into fashion, this is what one has to do. The most current song that will never get out of her head for a while - Tik Tok by Ke$ha. Its an interesting song, but so materialistic I don't know what to say about it. Are all songs like this now? If one does not want to sing about love, do you sing about money? What is money to you anyways? It won't do much good because all it increases is greed. The wanting of everything you desire. Wanting the many things you manage to persuade yourself you cannot live without.

How have we become like this?

How do you stop youself from being the rest of the world...

Until then, I shall be hating on myself. I feel like such a BITCH. and here we go again. I know in a way this sounds so retarded about how I'm annoyed by myself, but thats just me. I guess. I don't know what else to say about myself. Oh so annoyed at myself. there's nothing else to say.

Anyways, I have to go get ready to go out to eat. What worries me is that I'm attempting to eat less... why should we eat so much til we're ready to die extremely full? Why not just eat til you're content and minimize the amount of food we intake? Do you not think that others in the world deserve that food more than we do? We get to feed ourselves everyday and they don't.

I'm so angry. I am trying to see if I can minimize the intake tonight. Hopefully it works... before my parents find out what I'm up to. What people need to understand is that I am not attempting to be anorexic. If I accidentally do get onto the path of anorexia... then I don't know.

Whatever happens, it happens for a reason.

7:03 PM

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I never realized, but I need time to think.
Time to sit down, relax, and let all my thoughts slowly flow through
From my head, through my fingers and into the online world.

Jealous of someone else's happiness. Sometimes I look at myself, and wish that I could be like them. Happy as can be, free to express themselves. Me? Looking at the mirror everyday, I sometimes wonder how someone could ever fall for someone as plain as me. Beyond the things I say, there is nothing more. Hiding behind my hair, and darkening my eyes with eyeliner. That's not the true me, that is me attempting to hide from the truth.

Sometimes, I look around and wonder how the people I truly cherish are here, how they could mean so much to me in so little time, and how I mean the same to them. How did it ever happen? I don't think I've done anything special or great to deserve such wonderful people around me. There is always a downside to the good side. Flaws, problems we all try to hide, the lies or the things we show to others. A part of you, but not the full you. Why not? Is it because we are all scared of what the truth may hold? Scared to lose face or the reputation we spent years building upon? Who cares? The reputation ends when you would like it to, and everything is in your control.

The many blessings I have been blessed with. Were they supposed to be given onto me? They seem so surreal, so... perfect. I do question it once in a while when I just lay in bed and think. The ability to see, hear, touch, taste, say. Why do many of us take this for granted? The weather outside; while its raining, do you not feel sorrow for the sky? Why would it be crying sometimes? Or watch snow slowly fall onto the earth, and you prance around with joy, and perhaps fall in love with what God gives us?

Have you ever stopped going through time quickly, take time away from electronics and academics and just... marvel at the world and what we are blessed with?

I've fallen in love. With the earth, the music, everything. It is almost as if today's actions has slipped away... and left me in peace.

Today Mr. Epic punched Kay. I was very shocked but I felt as if I provoked his actions. Playing countless gags and such on him, perhaps he was trying too hard to hold it in and it just came out today. All the rage came out with a punch for Kay. I'm sorry Kay. I'm sorry Mr. Epic. I put this onto myself, and it should be me who should fall, and take the blame. I chose to commit the actions I did, and I should be the one held responsible.

Though I spent an entire day thinking through what I have caused over and over, I feel so disappointed or so.... ashamed of myself. Using such power on someone and manipulating one to feel a certain way, be a certain way; is that really who I have become? Is this who I chose to be?

To be serene... what does that mean? Am I feeling serene right now?

While on the phone, though it is silent on the other side... I feel grateful. Grateful to be able to live and experience all the things I've experienced. Joy, sadness, loss, anger, euphoria... and to think years ago, I wanted my life to end.

If I followed through, would I have been able to be where I am today? Be able to identify my mistakes, change for the better and be willing to do the same to others around me in society?

Just think.... how lucky I am.

Thank you. Without you, I don't know where I would be, or how I would be.
Being completely speechless and in awe, I think I finally can feel how powerful you are, and how lucky I am to have not only my guardian angel, but people around me who care. I am sorry for all the trouble I have caused earlier on, and it was not fair.

Is it possible to flow free just like the wind?

To find that place of serene peace?

10:39 PM

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Well.

Since I'm finally up early in the morning and awaiting for 7am, I thought I might as well blog away.

Most recently besides getting a boyfriend I have been putting myself to think and analyze everything. I sort of started to scare and creep myself out because hey. Its not going to work etc etc and a lot of drama. But hopefully that's over now.

its about 6 more days til our first month, and so far there hasn't been much drama so i'm good.

ITS SNOWED. like crazy today. and i don't know if i really want to get out of the house. Either way, I need to start searching for my winter boots.... but they might not even be warm enough. whatever... FROZEN FEET! =D

Academic-wise, my life is alright. Besides freaking over chemistry and biology. But i do think i failed the biology quiz i studied so hard for, mainly on the weird terms. Perissodactyls anyone?

haha my fingers are starting to freeze over. and I just realized my sleep wasn't the greatest. I kept tossing and turning. Perhaps it was the snowfall the prevented my good night's sleep?

Well this was a really quick post. need to hurry and take a shower then come back to the laptop soon. Later!

6:36 AM