My name is Nathania, or lavenderpeace as some people in the world may know me as. I am finally in university, studying Nutritional and Nutraceutical Sciences.
Living a comfortable life full with high and low times, and despite it all I love it.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Maybe its time to put our ring to rest.
Been holding on to it too much, makes me feel comfortable with the memories we had, that someone would still walk by my side... who wouldn't judge my actions no matter how bad or psychotic I can get. Its all just in my head, almost as if my mental health is slowly deteriorating before my very eyes.
She's pretty. You both look happy, and I honestly haven't seen your eyes with that much sparkle is such a long time. I know you don't pay attention to this blog anymore, and I need a place to vocalize my thoughts, to drown in them, because if I keep holding it all in, the more ill I'll become, as if I'm not doing that enough.
I've been trying to get skinnier. Can you tell? I'm not trying hard to look pretty anymore, I'm trying to find a comfortable place for me to cry, to destroy myself. I'm constantly looking down upon myself, and no matter what others say, nothing can get me up. Not even the thought of you yelling at me helps anymore. I know its just me, in this all alone although there are others who care.
But I don't care anymore. Numbing all my emotions, so I don't feel hurt except for whatever I inflict on myself. I'm trying not to be bitter, because I let you go because I had no force to stop you. I wasn't strong enough.
No matter how sorry I'll be for the rest of this life, I know that you'd be happy, that you'd treat her and she'll hopefully treat you better than I ever will. As long as you're happy, the further I'll retreat into this "happy bubble" of mine that I've created from hurt, from fear.
Because that's all i've reduced myself to. Because of the inability to forgive myself, not because of you. You just let me go. I caused this neverending hole of darkness.
Watch it eat me alive.
4:59 PM
