BEYOND THE LENS.
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My name is Nathania, or lavenderpeace as some people in the world may know me as. I am finally in university, studying Nutritional and Nutraceutical Sciences.
Living a comfortable life full with high and low times, and despite it all I love it.
Saturday, March 05, 2011
Dear World,
probably has been a long time since. and lets just say, the world is going downhill. I can hardly care less about someone judging me by my current words, LET THEM. I don't care about you anymore. Sure I'll regret this, but humanity is full of flaws and regrets. Let them be.
It feels as if around this time every year (except last year) the feeling of dread comes on more and more and more, piling up like wet seaweed on your legs while you're swimming on a beach. Or someone covering your entire body with wet sand. It adds weight to you, and slowly and slowly you can't move anymore. Welcome to my life. I'm probably ruining my entire life with my boring thoughts that have destructive powers. Or I give it such powers/authority. Sometimes I feel fine, or I have to be happy and cheery sure I'll do it. Beyond that, I'd rather not because happiness is a complete lie.
To be deadly honest, I still look up to my sister for advice and what not, although many do make the decision for me that she's not a good role model. Then if she's not, who in this world is good enough for me to look up to, and isn't some model or whatever who's always gone or unreachable? Then again, my sister is all those... I feel inhibited. I want to pull my hair and scream, lash out at myself and release the anger, but no I can't. I HAVE to take orders from someone who barely understands me (or so I think) and wait for them to basically give me a whiplash with words to make me go back to normal. Or whatever the hell normal is for me anymore.
I hate acting so nice and happy all the time. I'm so depressed half the time and I really want to revert to the ways that I was before. I'd rather no one understand me, but have someone there to share happy news with. Happy news to share is a lot better than sad, which happens more often than anything. The more and more I get close to someone, the more that I feel everything goes wrong, and it does. Theres so much negativity I don't know why. It could be me, considering it happens around this time especially.
I want to have a good birthday. Trust me, I do. But there's always something that reminds me of a few years ago, or basically all my birthdays where I feel that half the time I don't know what to do. I just sit there. I hate the fact people would stare at me, and I'm the one supposed to be happy. I'm not. I always hated my birthdays, and act happy for the sake of it. Like last year, I was so depressed and I always wanted to run away from my friends. P-mall, restaurants, everything. I'd rather just sit in my room, stare out the window listening to depressing songs to get me through the day. This takes me to Tom.
Its not working out. The more I think about it, the more i feel sorry for him. I take him away from his family and friends. I basically abuse him whenever I get bored, or have something to say. The significance is completely stupid. Its almost like the magic is gone, and that it feels almost like a.... routine. Its always just been making him happy. I stared to rely on him and now, I feel as if it is too much. The fact we're associated with each other sort of makes me sick. I'm trying to keep it slightly professional within school (classes especially), and yet teachers don't seem to understand the fact I'd rather not be associated with people like Tom. I want to be known by my abilities, or lack thereof.
I'm selfish. deadlydeadly selfish. I calm myself down by scratching my arms and legs like hell (routine established since 1995 and beyond). I've recently been attempting to cut, but it seems as if I lack courage. It sucks. You want to be liberated or feel nothing at all for a split second, and the pain just puts everything at ease.
But for now everything hurts. My heart, my mind, the excessive longing for something I can't feel. I don't want to feel anymore. If I do, it has to be pain. Its the only way to wake me up, and at least control myself. Otherwise, I can't do anything and bad things happen.
I dislike not being in control. I enjoy pulling plugs on my feelings, because I can't see where its going. Sure I still may have feelings, but feelings never last. They're all just temporary, and in the end people just get hurt. Might as well hurt before anything gets more serious, filling the gaps and holes with lies and reasons you give yourself. Things like "oh you're so much better" or whatever, its better that way. No one can figure it out, no one can just rip you into pieces and tear you apart just to wake you up and then leave you in a corner.
Busying myself would be better. Perhaps making me more oblivious to everything.
I'm cancelling my birthday party thing. Though I slightly don't want to, like I said, I'd rather spend it alone. At least I'm not staring at myself waiting for a smile.
Birthday wishlist:
1. cry myself to sleep in despair I give myself. 2. an injuiry. preferably permanent. 3. no one to care.
hope turning 18th is the most loneliest one of all.
6:51 PM
Saturday, March 05, 2011
Dear World,
probably has been a long time since. and lets just say, the world is going downhill. I can hardly care less about someone judging me by my current words, LET THEM. I don't care about you anymore. Sure I'll regret this, but humanity is full of flaws and regrets. Let them be.
It feels as if around this time every year (except last year) the feeling of dread comes on more and more and more, piling up like wet seaweed on your legs while you're swimming on a beach. Or someone covering your entire body with wet sand. It adds weight to you, and slowly and slowly you can't move anymore. Welcome to my life. I'm probably ruining my entire life with my boring thoughts that have destructive powers. Or I give it such powers/authority. Sometimes I feel fine, or I have to be happy and cheery sure I'll do it. Beyond that, I'd rather not because happiness is a complete lie.
To be deadly honest, I still look up to my sister for advice and what not, although many do make the decision for me that she's not a good role model. Then if she's not, who in this world is good enough for me to look up to, and isn't some model or whatever who's always gone or unreachable? Then again, my sister is all those... I feel inhibited. I want to pull my hair and scream, lash out at myself and release the anger, but no I can't. I HAVE to take orders from someone who barely understands me (or so I think) and wait for them to basically give me a whiplash with words to make me go back to normal. Or whatever the hell normal is for me anymore.
I hate acting so nice and happy all the time. I'm so depressed half the time and I really want to revert to the ways that I was before. I'd rather no one understand me, but have someone there to share happy news with. Happy news to share is a lot better than sad, which happens more often than anything. The more and more I get close to someone, the more that I feel everything goes wrong, and it does. Theres so much negativity I don't know why. It could be me, considering it happens around this time especially.
I want to have a good birthday. Trust me, I do. But there's always something that reminds me of a few years ago, or basically all my birthdays where I feel that half the time I don't know what to do. I just sit there. I hate the fact people would stare at me, and I'm the one supposed to be happy. I'm not. I always hated my birthdays, and act happy for the sake of it. Like last year, I was so depressed and I always wanted to run away from my friends. P-mall, restaurants, everything. I'd rather just sit in my room, stare out the window listening to depressing songs to get me through the day. This takes me to Tom.
Its not working out. The more I think about it, the more i feel sorry for him. I take him away from his family and friends. I basically abuse him whenever I get bored, or have something to say. The significance is completely stupid. Its almost like the magic is gone, and that it feels almost like a.... routine. Its always just been making him happy. I stared to rely on him and now, I feel as if it is too much. The fact we're associated with each other sort of makes me sick. I'm trying to keep it slightly professional within school (classes especially), and yet teachers don't seem to understand the fact I'd rather not be associated with people like Tom. I want to be known by my abilities, or lack thereof.
I'm selfish. deadlydeadly selfish. I calm myself down by scratching my arms and legs like hell (routine established since 1995 and beyond). I've recently been attempting to cut, but it seems as if I lack courage. It sucks. You want to be liberated or feel nothing at all for a split second, and the pain just puts everything at ease.
But for now everything hurts. My heart, my mind, the excessive longing for something I can't feel. I don't want to feel anymore. If I do, it has to be pain. Its the only way to wake me up, and at least control myself. Otherwise, I can't do anything and bad things happen.
I dislike not being in control. I enjoy pulling plugs on my feelings, because I can't see where its going. Sure I still may have feelings, but feelings never last. They're all just temporary, and in the end people just get hurt. Might as well hurt before anything gets more serious, filling the gaps and holes with lies and reasons you give yourself. Things like "oh you're so much better" or whatever, its better that way. No one can figure it out, no one can just rip you into pieces and tear you apart just to wake you up and then leave you in a corner.
Busying myself would be better. Perhaps making me more oblivious to everything.
I'm cancelling my birthday party thing. Though I slightly don't want to, like I said, I'd rather spend it alone. At least I'm not staring at myself waiting for a smile.
Birthday wishlist:
1. cry myself to sleep in despair I give myself. 2. an injuiry. preferably permanent. 3. no one to care.
hope turning 18th is the most loneliest one of all.
