My name is Nathania, or lavenderpeace as some people in the world may know me as. I am finally in university, studying Nutritional and Nutraceutical Sciences.
Living a comfortable life full with high and low times, and despite it all I love it.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Here we go again.
I am back with another emo/grossness. YAY! *sigh*
A lot happened between August and present day.
So after Montreal, I ended up going to Wonderland with Tom, while being shocked that people would say I don't look like a thrill seeker. I love amusement parks. My first roller coaster was Top Gun or whatever its called now, and my favourite is Sky Rider. The funny thing is that I dislike the feeling of falling. It just feels too funny.
Then Tom went off to his cruise on the Oasis of the Seas or whatever with Parco, and I was just chilling out and got sort of sad... and then freaking out about ECCCLC. I went there and at first it was mad awkward. I saw it as a camp filled with people who were very involved in the churches and were huge on their faith. I kept seeing UTCC and QCCC stuff and not know what they mean... and then getting woken up by Cae and Steph and like 1 am for the MCCM and Montreal people were late... but overall near the end, it was awesome. I met many people (GROUP 8!) and I miss them all. From parish/CCC promotions it was hilarious. I recently didn't go to the reunion, I was really tired from University Fair.
School started and I started freaking out. The idea that everyone was to be separated soon, and knowing Chris wasn't going to be there made me sad too... many things changed. Many new teachers, changes in Chaplaincy and Guidance, and the workload of courses... I do not know what to do. The stress levels continue to rise everyday, and there are barely any nights where the tears do not fall. The fear and pressure about being in grade twelve and university applications are getting to me. What am I supposed to do?
Everything is so confusing to me. For some reason, I lost my cool at church today when I couldn't hear anything from readings to the homily because my brother was talking so loud, and putting his feet up and knocking down the songbooks on the ground every 10 seconds. I told him to stop, and gripped his arm or leg. I forgot that my nails are long (I don't look at my nails) and it dug into his skin when i grabbed him... it was accidental because I wasn't aware about my nail length until my dad pointed it out, and then the second time I didn't look properly.. etc etc... and then I felt so bad and started hating myself I ended up doing some self-inflicted pain... from digging my nails into my hand to drawing lines with my nails... I usually do it on my upper arm but I guess I didn't care so I did it on my hand. Oh well, I mean it'll pass...
Unfortunately, I know Tom doesn't like it. I still dislike myself for being so mindless and doing it... but I feel so bad for lashing out.... I rarely even lash out anymore, so why does this bother me so much?
AUGH!!
8:14 PM
