My name is Nathania, or lavenderpeace as some people in the world may know me as. I am finally in university, studying Nutritional and Nutraceutical Sciences.
Living a comfortable life full with high and low times, and despite it all I love it.
Friday, September 04, 2009
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Looking back, I guess I can say I really loved Kay. He was different from the rest; he was perfect in my eyes. I let him slip through my fingers due to my insecurity.
To be honest, I really miss Kay.
Life now is very odd and half unrealistic. It sometimes manageable, sometimes I go back to being depressed for no reason. I barely do go meet up with friends anymore. I do not know if its because of the mourning period or I have just felt so apart from them. I do not know. The previous time I did bump into them at Pacific Mall, I felt so alienated. Either way I still attempted to play it cool but it still showed. T said I may be a victim of ostracism - The act of banishing or excluding someone.
As for personal relationships... well. Rewinding back to around April or June, my friend's brother had asked me to prom. Lets call him D. I agreed and on prom night, D confessed to liking me. I, being such a fool fell for it. Currently I am in the exact same position as I have been in July, after our first date. It felt and still feels very awkward and uncomfortable. Not only is he my friend's brother, but he is also going off to university, and I know the he never got over the girl who rejected him... lets call her C. To me, D will always be after C but due to her cancellation to accompany him to prom he needed a backup. Hence, moi. I do not have the guts to tell him what I think because he is trying really hard to make it work, but clearly the answer is in front of us. I am giving him the last chance and see if it will work, if not it is the end.
Now as it is nearing the end of summer vacation, I have been trying to train myself to wake up at six. Unfortunately, I have only gone as far as waking up at around 5:35in the morning. Not bad, but in my case I believe it is quite early. Watching the sun rise on the east through my bedroom window, sometimes I wish I could go back to British Columbia, where you can see the beautiful mountains. I really do long to go back there, and perhaps go visit by grandmother in the Garden of Gethsemane in Surrey. I left the day after the funeral/memorial mass at Canadian Martyrs so I never saw her being placed in the mausoleum. I do hope she likes her place - in a beautiful urn behind a glass wall. Due to the fact its behind a glass wall makes me feel happy for you are able to see it through the glass rather than wondering if it is really there behind marble walls.
So this is my life nearing the end of summer. Always in thought of what was to become of me, and wonder what the future holds. I do wish that I can find a nice conclusion to everything, but I do not think it will be as easy. Going back to school means that everyone has to put up a front, acting like life is insanely perfect and goes their way. As a sucker, I have not learned this trait yet. Hopefully I do before I do anything too serious.
Have a great start to a new fall semester!
6:33 AM
